My dear friend, if you are dealing with the pain of your spouse or significant other betraying you, I want to help you survive and thrive. In those first few days after the discovery of betrayal, the pain you feel is searing and debilitating. I would love to wrap my arms around you and whisper words of comfort to you. I do understand the hopelessness you may feel, and I want to offer a few ideas that were helpful to me, and that I pray will be helpful to you.
First, do one thing every day that you WANT to do. Do at least one thing every day that brings you some peace, happiness, joy or comfort. Be it small or grand, put yourself first for at least a few minutes and do something you enjoy. Your feelings matter, and since your spouse has done something to hurt you, you must counter that by doing something to heal yourself.
Second, be gentle and kind to yourself. While there may be a tenancy to beat yourself up, please don't. This is not the time to be hard on yourself. This is the time to be your own best friend. Treat yourself as you would your dearest, closest friend. Protect, serve, encourage and love YOU.
Third, do something kind for someone else at least once a day. Doing so will heal you far more than you realize. When you think you have nothing to give, if you reach out to one other human being, you will find that it will help you feel good inside and will take the focus off the pain you feel, even if only for a few minutes. It will strengthen you and bless you to do something kind for another.
Fourth, believe that you deserve to be treated with respect. If your spouse (or anyone else in your life) does not treat you with the respect you deserve, then some decisions about who you allow in your life will need to be made. You may want to refer to my blog posting earlier this year, titled 'What About Unhealthy Relationships?' Putting some distance between you and your spouse may be necessary for your survival....only you can decide that.
I know that you can pick yourself up and not only survive, but eventually thrive after this gut wrenching experience. I did, and you can, too. We are stronger than we think we are, and we are certainly stronger than whatever they can throw at us. My love and support go with you, my dear friend.
Love, Michelle
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Friday, June 1, 2012
Letting Go
One of the most difficult things about being a parent, at least of adult children, is letting go and allowing them to make choices without our input. I think all parents and grandparents struggle with this. Even aunts and uncles and teachers and leaders struggle. It's so hard to keep our mouth shut and let those younger and with less experience make their own mistakes, isn't it?
But it is VITAL to their growth.
And really, it's vital to our own. It's called 'free agency' and every human being is granted that beautiful gift by God. So doesn't it make sense, that since He allows every person to choose, and then succeed or stumble, that WE should allow the same? It is a sign of maturity and peace when we support and love, and butt out. Without comment, without a guilt trip, without a warning, and without judgment. Just love and let go. God has done that for you and I, and He expects us to learn to do that for others. Our children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, parents, siblings, friends, neighbors....every adult.
Understand that, of course, younger children need guidance and correction. But it is an entirely different story once they reach adulthood. And yet, we have such a hard time letting go, don't we? We are so worried about them, and our love for them is so intense that we want the very best for them. We feel like we know what that is, and they do not. Maybe we do, maybe we don't. I do know that God knows what is best for them, and I better follow His example of stepping back and letting them learn, without my interference.
If help or opinions are ASKED for, then by all means, share your wisdom and thoughts. But if it's not, then we need to show some love and restraint.
My dear friend, if you see yourself as one who feels that others need your help and advice, regardless of whether they asked for it or not, some changes may be in order. Tactics like trying to persuade them or guilt them into doing what you feel like is right can only damage your relationship with them. They will resent what you are trying to do. Remember how it was to be a young adult, and how you may have resented similar comments aimed at you. Please love them enough to step back. If you can do that for them, the reward for you is immeasurable. You will have more peace, and the burden is lifted from your shoulders. You don't have to fix their life. God will be there for them, and you can relax. If a mistake is made, it's okay. It's their mistake, their lesson, their life. You can just focus on yourself and what God would like YOU to learn, and trust that He is in charge and has it all figured out. What a relief!
If you are an adult who is dealing with a family member who just can't seem to realize that you are able to make your own choices, it's perfectly fine to either call them on it, or keep your distance. It's a form of control, and you know how I feel about that. No one has the right to make decisions for you, no matter how good their intention are, or how right they feel they are. Giving in to their guilt trip only encourages them to keep 'guiding' you. Stand up and claim your authenticity and be true to you. You and God can decide together which road you should take, or how you should correct any mistake you may have made. He sees mistakes differently than we do....they are simply learning tools.
Take a deep breath and trust in yourself and in God just a little bit more today.
Love, Michelle
But it is VITAL to their growth.
And really, it's vital to our own. It's called 'free agency' and every human being is granted that beautiful gift by God. So doesn't it make sense, that since He allows every person to choose, and then succeed or stumble, that WE should allow the same? It is a sign of maturity and peace when we support and love, and butt out. Without comment, without a guilt trip, without a warning, and without judgment. Just love and let go. God has done that for you and I, and He expects us to learn to do that for others. Our children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, parents, siblings, friends, neighbors....every adult.
Understand that, of course, younger children need guidance and correction. But it is an entirely different story once they reach adulthood. And yet, we have such a hard time letting go, don't we? We are so worried about them, and our love for them is so intense that we want the very best for them. We feel like we know what that is, and they do not. Maybe we do, maybe we don't. I do know that God knows what is best for them, and I better follow His example of stepping back and letting them learn, without my interference.
If help or opinions are ASKED for, then by all means, share your wisdom and thoughts. But if it's not, then we need to show some love and restraint.
My dear friend, if you see yourself as one who feels that others need your help and advice, regardless of whether they asked for it or not, some changes may be in order. Tactics like trying to persuade them or guilt them into doing what you feel like is right can only damage your relationship with them. They will resent what you are trying to do. Remember how it was to be a young adult, and how you may have resented similar comments aimed at you. Please love them enough to step back. If you can do that for them, the reward for you is immeasurable. You will have more peace, and the burden is lifted from your shoulders. You don't have to fix their life. God will be there for them, and you can relax. If a mistake is made, it's okay. It's their mistake, their lesson, their life. You can just focus on yourself and what God would like YOU to learn, and trust that He is in charge and has it all figured out. What a relief!
If you are an adult who is dealing with a family member who just can't seem to realize that you are able to make your own choices, it's perfectly fine to either call them on it, or keep your distance. It's a form of control, and you know how I feel about that. No one has the right to make decisions for you, no matter how good their intention are, or how right they feel they are. Giving in to their guilt trip only encourages them to keep 'guiding' you. Stand up and claim your authenticity and be true to you. You and God can decide together which road you should take, or how you should correct any mistake you may have made. He sees mistakes differently than we do....they are simply learning tools.
Take a deep breath and trust in yourself and in God just a little bit more today.
Love, Michelle
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Why Did THAT Happen?
My youngest daughter had emergency surgery last week to remove her appendix, and later she asked me an interesting question. 'Mom, how did I attract that to myself?'
I got my answer for her from the great Dr. Joe Vitale, who himself had a similar medical condition in his own life and he had people ask him the same question.
"If you attract everything to yourself, then why did THAT happen?''
Joe answered by saying that sometimes our bodies need to take a break from the speed at which we are living our life, which he admits is very, very fast. It can also be that we needed or wanted (subconsciously, of course) the experience for one reason or another. In my daughters case, she figured out for herself that maybe it was a way for her and her older brother to bond better, since he had the same surgery several years ago at a very young age. He knew exactly how she felt and was very compassionate and comforting to her right after she came out of surgery, sitting next to her and holding her hand....something they had not experienced before. The two of them feel closer, and as a mother, there is such joy for me to see that.
So maybe in your own life, you can think situations that you have thought the same thing..."Why did THAT have to happen?"
The answer will be found in whatever good resulted from the experience. And there will always be something....you may have to look pretty hard to find the good, but it is there if you search long enough and think about each possibility. And, if you can't find any good that happened, wait a while and it will be revealed to you. Sometimes years later.
I have a situation in my own life that took years to reveal the good...or maybe what took so long was me and my frame of mind. But I finally got it, and now it all makes sense. And I'm grateful for the experience, even though it was painful.
You are brilliant, my dear friend, and I know that whatever happens in your life, you will find the good. Because that's just the kind of person you are....always searching...and finding.
Love,
Michelle
I got my answer for her from the great Dr. Joe Vitale, who himself had a similar medical condition in his own life and he had people ask him the same question.
"If you attract everything to yourself, then why did THAT happen?''
Joe answered by saying that sometimes our bodies need to take a break from the speed at which we are living our life, which he admits is very, very fast. It can also be that we needed or wanted (subconsciously, of course) the experience for one reason or another. In my daughters case, she figured out for herself that maybe it was a way for her and her older brother to bond better, since he had the same surgery several years ago at a very young age. He knew exactly how she felt and was very compassionate and comforting to her right after she came out of surgery, sitting next to her and holding her hand....something they had not experienced before. The two of them feel closer, and as a mother, there is such joy for me to see that.
So maybe in your own life, you can think situations that you have thought the same thing..."Why did THAT have to happen?"
The answer will be found in whatever good resulted from the experience. And there will always be something....you may have to look pretty hard to find the good, but it is there if you search long enough and think about each possibility. And, if you can't find any good that happened, wait a while and it will be revealed to you. Sometimes years later.
I have a situation in my own life that took years to reveal the good...or maybe what took so long was me and my frame of mind. But I finally got it, and now it all makes sense. And I'm grateful for the experience, even though it was painful.
You are brilliant, my dear friend, and I know that whatever happens in your life, you will find the good. Because that's just the kind of person you are....always searching...and finding.
Love,
Michelle
Saturday, February 25, 2012
The Choice is Yours
This past week I had a great reminder that I get to choose my attitude about every situation, and that I can either choose to focus on everything that's not working, or I can choose to be grateful for all the things that are so good in my life.
When I got this reminder, I felt a twinge of guilt....I really shouldn't need the reminder, I chided myself. I'm a motivational speaker and writer, for crying out loud! Secret is out....I messed up, and I got caught up in a wave of negativity. And maybe that happens to you, too. Sigh...we are all so human, huh?
Since someone was sent to me so I could hear that important message to get me back on track, I want to return the favor and share that same message with you, my dear friend. As I was reminded this week, one person can make a difference, and it spreads. When everyone else is complaining and stating all the things that are wrong, you can be THE different voice. You can be the one who expresses gratitude, and lifts up rather than puts down. You can the the one.....I can be the one. By being the one, you will feel good inside when everyone else is feeling down. And, your good attitude it bound to influence at least one person for the better.
Whether it is where you live, or your workplace, or your neighborhood, or your family......if you look for something to be wrong, you can always find it. Sometimes it's so glaring that you don't have to look to far. It may take a bit more effort to find the things that are good...but they are there, too. May have to dig deep, but you can choose to find the good. You have that power.
I am so grateful for the person who reminded me that I have the power to choose how I feel. It took courage to say it, and it takes courage to rise above the negative. I am grateful that I was reminded that I can and should do better. You and I were destined to be great....to do great things. I have felt better and more optimistic about a difficult situation than I have in a long time. The situation didn't change....my attitude did. My heart did. My resolve did. My commitment did. I can and will do better today than yesterday.
Great that we all have that choice, isn't it?! God gives us the privilege to choose every thought and decision in our lives. We don't get to choose what others do to us, only our own actions, reactions and thoughts. I can weigh the situation and make choices about how I'm going to handle it. I can choose to stay where I am, or make a different choice. If I don't like it, I can change it....or I can simply be happy about what is so great, and not worry about the rest. Either way, my choice. Love it!!!
One other note.....let's not be quick to judge others about their decisions and attitudes. It's okay if they choose a different attitude than you or me. We all learn things in our own time frame. We all make mistakes, and we all have things we can improve. Just love them and go on your merry way....feeling happy and grateful, my friend.
Love,
Michelle
When I got this reminder, I felt a twinge of guilt....I really shouldn't need the reminder, I chided myself. I'm a motivational speaker and writer, for crying out loud! Secret is out....I messed up, and I got caught up in a wave of negativity. And maybe that happens to you, too. Sigh...we are all so human, huh?
Since someone was sent to me so I could hear that important message to get me back on track, I want to return the favor and share that same message with you, my dear friend. As I was reminded this week, one person can make a difference, and it spreads. When everyone else is complaining and stating all the things that are wrong, you can be THE different voice. You can be the one who expresses gratitude, and lifts up rather than puts down. You can the the one.....I can be the one. By being the one, you will feel good inside when everyone else is feeling down. And, your good attitude it bound to influence at least one person for the better.
Whether it is where you live, or your workplace, or your neighborhood, or your family......if you look for something to be wrong, you can always find it. Sometimes it's so glaring that you don't have to look to far. It may take a bit more effort to find the things that are good...but they are there, too. May have to dig deep, but you can choose to find the good. You have that power.
I am so grateful for the person who reminded me that I have the power to choose how I feel. It took courage to say it, and it takes courage to rise above the negative. I am grateful that I was reminded that I can and should do better. You and I were destined to be great....to do great things. I have felt better and more optimistic about a difficult situation than I have in a long time. The situation didn't change....my attitude did. My heart did. My resolve did. My commitment did. I can and will do better today than yesterday.
Great that we all have that choice, isn't it?! God gives us the privilege to choose every thought and decision in our lives. We don't get to choose what others do to us, only our own actions, reactions and thoughts. I can weigh the situation and make choices about how I'm going to handle it. I can choose to stay where I am, or make a different choice. If I don't like it, I can change it....or I can simply be happy about what is so great, and not worry about the rest. Either way, my choice. Love it!!!
One other note.....let's not be quick to judge others about their decisions and attitudes. It's okay if they choose a different attitude than you or me. We all learn things in our own time frame. We all make mistakes, and we all have things we can improve. Just love them and go on your merry way....feeling happy and grateful, my friend.
Love,
Michelle
Monday, January 23, 2012
What About Unhealthy Relationships?
Is there someone in your life who claims to love you, and yet you don't feel loved by them based on the way they treat you? Maybe they are putting you through guilt trips or manipulations, always saying they know what's best for you....but it makes you feel bad. Maybe it's even worse and it is a constant psychological warfare of mind games that makes you feel like YOU might be crazy.
Let me be clear about this-No one has the right to manipulate you or abuse you in any way, emotionally or physically. I don't care if it's your parent, spouse, child, sibling, friend, neighbor, coworker...whoever. If that relationship makes you feel bad about yourself in any way, perhaps that is a relationship that doesn't belong in your life. No matter who that person is in your life, if they are controlling or manipulative or toxic in any way, send them love and release yourself from that environment. It is not your job to fix them, but it is your job to protect and love yourself, and sometime that means cutting someone out of your life that is harmful to you in some way.
I can hear some protests out there...."But she's my sister! (Or dad or best friend or husband or boss) How am I supposed to not have a relationship with him or her?" And "Doesn't God expect me to just be kind and tolerant?" My dear friend, yes, we are expected to be kind and loving and forgiving, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing that from a distance if someone is toxic to you and the relationship is unhealthy.
Please don't get me wrong. I am all for trying to work things out with people and talk about any differences of opinions that are causing turmoil. I'm not saying to walk away from someone at the first sign of trouble. I'm talking about emotional warfare, from mild to extreme. None of it is okay, and when talking about it and asking them to stop with the guilt trips and manipulation doesn't work, then I believe God expects us to take good care of ourselves by removing ourselves from a unhealthy situation.
There will be others who will tell you that closing off contact with someone in your life is selfish and wrong, especially if that someone is a family member. I'm here to tell you that, if that relationship is harmful to you, then it is necessary for your well-being. If someone says they love you, but their behavior doesn’t feel loving to you, listen to your instincts and do what is right for you.
Marriage or love relationships that are toxic can cause the most harm. If the person is unwilling to treat you with the love and respect that every human being deserves, then it is time to release that relationship. I’m not taking about every day issues that come up and can be solved with a heart to heart talk and some understanding. I’m talking about emotionally or physically abusive relationships, or those that are emotionally toxic to you. One of my favorite speakers, Kim Flynn, says we release those that are any one of the 3 A’s: Abusive, Addictive or Adulterous. Pretty clear.
Know that you deserve to be treated with the utmost respect and love. Know that you deserve to be happy and loved. Know that God wants that for you and cries with you when someone hurts you. He also expects you to love yourself enough to take good care of yourself and keep yourself from harm, no matter where that harm comes from. It takes courage and strength, and I know you have it in you, my friend.
Love, Michelle
Let me be clear about this-No one has the right to manipulate you or abuse you in any way, emotionally or physically. I don't care if it's your parent, spouse, child, sibling, friend, neighbor, coworker...whoever. If that relationship makes you feel bad about yourself in any way, perhaps that is a relationship that doesn't belong in your life. No matter who that person is in your life, if they are controlling or manipulative or toxic in any way, send them love and release yourself from that environment. It is not your job to fix them, but it is your job to protect and love yourself, and sometime that means cutting someone out of your life that is harmful to you in some way.
I can hear some protests out there...."But she's my sister! (Or dad or best friend or husband or boss) How am I supposed to not have a relationship with him or her?" And "Doesn't God expect me to just be kind and tolerant?" My dear friend, yes, we are expected to be kind and loving and forgiving, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing that from a distance if someone is toxic to you and the relationship is unhealthy.
Please don't get me wrong. I am all for trying to work things out with people and talk about any differences of opinions that are causing turmoil. I'm not saying to walk away from someone at the first sign of trouble. I'm talking about emotional warfare, from mild to extreme. None of it is okay, and when talking about it and asking them to stop with the guilt trips and manipulation doesn't work, then I believe God expects us to take good care of ourselves by removing ourselves from a unhealthy situation.
There will be others who will tell you that closing off contact with someone in your life is selfish and wrong, especially if that someone is a family member. I'm here to tell you that, if that relationship is harmful to you, then it is necessary for your well-being. If someone says they love you, but their behavior doesn’t feel loving to you, listen to your instincts and do what is right for you.
Marriage or love relationships that are toxic can cause the most harm. If the person is unwilling to treat you with the love and respect that every human being deserves, then it is time to release that relationship. I’m not taking about every day issues that come up and can be solved with a heart to heart talk and some understanding. I’m talking about emotionally or physically abusive relationships, or those that are emotionally toxic to you. One of my favorite speakers, Kim Flynn, says we release those that are any one of the 3 A’s: Abusive, Addictive or Adulterous. Pretty clear.
Know that you deserve to be treated with the utmost respect and love. Know that you deserve to be happy and loved. Know that God wants that for you and cries with you when someone hurts you. He also expects you to love yourself enough to take good care of yourself and keep yourself from harm, no matter where that harm comes from. It takes courage and strength, and I know you have it in you, my friend.
Love, Michelle
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Remember
Have you forgotten how great you are? Let me help you remember....
When we are babies, we know our worth and we love every single thing about ourselves. We know that we deserve to have everything we want and need. We communicate that clearly and without apology. We know our importance and our place. Since we have just arrived on earth, we have just recently been with God, so lets take a clue from that and revisit how wonderful each human being is....and that means YOU, my friend. Let's remember a few things about You.....
Remember that You are loved and adored by the Creator of all the Universe. He knows every little thing about you and loves you without limit or condition. How great is THAT?! You are a STAR! You are the pinnacle of His creation and he put extra love and care into making you. You have unique qualities and talents that no one else has. You are a masterpiece.
Remember that you have a distinct voice. Your life experiences are unique and just your own, so no one else can give your message to the world. What you have in you, no one else can communicate. The world needs your message in whatever creative form it is heard or seen or felt by others. No one else can give your message.
Remember that the entire Universe listens to you. Every thought you have, every word you speak, every deed you accomplish. The Universe and its Creator LISTEN to you....you have its undivided attention. Can you grasp how important you are? Infinitely!
This time of year can be as painful for many as it is joyful for others. If the holiday season has been one of pain for you in the past, remember how loved and important you are, to God and to the world as a whole. I recently heard this wonderful quote, "Make your mess your message". I love that. My life has been pretty messy sometimes, and maybe yours has too, my darling friend. There has to be a purpose for all that mess, and now it's my message. You have a message in you too...it may be shared in art or music or written word or in a service. Your message may be shared in a million different ways. Someone out there needs your message, and it is important to them that you share it.
You may reach millions with your message, you may reach one. Remember how great and important you are to that one soul....
Love,
Michelle
When we are babies, we know our worth and we love every single thing about ourselves. We know that we deserve to have everything we want and need. We communicate that clearly and without apology. We know our importance and our place. Since we have just arrived on earth, we have just recently been with God, so lets take a clue from that and revisit how wonderful each human being is....and that means YOU, my friend. Let's remember a few things about You.....
Remember that You are loved and adored by the Creator of all the Universe. He knows every little thing about you and loves you without limit or condition. How great is THAT?! You are a STAR! You are the pinnacle of His creation and he put extra love and care into making you. You have unique qualities and talents that no one else has. You are a masterpiece.
Remember that you have a distinct voice. Your life experiences are unique and just your own, so no one else can give your message to the world. What you have in you, no one else can communicate. The world needs your message in whatever creative form it is heard or seen or felt by others. No one else can give your message.
Remember that the entire Universe listens to you. Every thought you have, every word you speak, every deed you accomplish. The Universe and its Creator LISTEN to you....you have its undivided attention. Can you grasp how important you are? Infinitely!
This time of year can be as painful for many as it is joyful for others. If the holiday season has been one of pain for you in the past, remember how loved and important you are, to God and to the world as a whole. I recently heard this wonderful quote, "Make your mess your message". I love that. My life has been pretty messy sometimes, and maybe yours has too, my darling friend. There has to be a purpose for all that mess, and now it's my message. You have a message in you too...it may be shared in art or music or written word or in a service. Your message may be shared in a million different ways. Someone out there needs your message, and it is important to them that you share it.
You may reach millions with your message, you may reach one. Remember how great and important you are to that one soul....
Love,
Michelle
Friday, October 21, 2011
Cocoon, Then Fly
I’m a cocooner….I admit it. Whenever anything devastating or stressful happens in my life, my natural instinct is to cocoon. Crawl inside myself, roll up in a fetal position, so to speak, and remove myself from the world. Given that I have a large family, a full time job, and a side career as an author and speaker, sometimes I just don’t get to do what comes natural. But that’s what I always WANT to do if I’m feeling sad or stressed. Can you relate to that?
Cocooning is part of the healing process, at least for me. Maybe for you, too. I want to validate that you may need that time, and it’s okay. The amount of time you need can vary greatly. Sometimes I only need to cocoon for an hour. Sometimes a day. Sometimes longer. Sometimes I’m cocooning while I’m still doing everything that is required of me….and no one knows it but me.
My point about cocooning is that while it is healing and sometimes necessary, it’s not healthy if it goes on for too long. ‘Too long’ is relative, and different for each person and each situation. But the truth is, you will know when it’s been too long. Something inside you, if you will acknowledge it, will nudge you. And you will feel that you need to open up again to life, and start moving again toward your next goal and your next adventure. You may start to feel antsy, or lonely, or guilty….or some other emotion that lets you know its time for a change. You’ll know. Trust yourself and listen to what it is you need.
I can assure you that when you get to that place, it will be equally healing to reach out to others and give some service or comfort to someone else. It will make you feel good about you, and it’s helpful to realize that life goes on and everyone you meet has their own struggles they are dealing with. You can be the answer to someone’s prayer on any give day, just as someone else was the answer to yours.
So cocoon away, my friend, if you need to. And then, unfurl those gorgeous wings of yours, and fly again.
Love,
Michelle
Cocooning is part of the healing process, at least for me. Maybe for you, too. I want to validate that you may need that time, and it’s okay. The amount of time you need can vary greatly. Sometimes I only need to cocoon for an hour. Sometimes a day. Sometimes longer. Sometimes I’m cocooning while I’m still doing everything that is required of me….and no one knows it but me.
My point about cocooning is that while it is healing and sometimes necessary, it’s not healthy if it goes on for too long. ‘Too long’ is relative, and different for each person and each situation. But the truth is, you will know when it’s been too long. Something inside you, if you will acknowledge it, will nudge you. And you will feel that you need to open up again to life, and start moving again toward your next goal and your next adventure. You may start to feel antsy, or lonely, or guilty….or some other emotion that lets you know its time for a change. You’ll know. Trust yourself and listen to what it is you need.
I can assure you that when you get to that place, it will be equally healing to reach out to others and give some service or comfort to someone else. It will make you feel good about you, and it’s helpful to realize that life goes on and everyone you meet has their own struggles they are dealing with. You can be the answer to someone’s prayer on any give day, just as someone else was the answer to yours.
So cocoon away, my friend, if you need to. And then, unfurl those gorgeous wings of yours, and fly again.
Love,
Michelle
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)